Something New!

So, it has been quite a while since I have posted anything on here. Quick update:
The summer pretty much sucked. I worked at Lui’s Wed-Sun, then in Keene on Mondays, and had Tuesdays off. I had no summer fun, but got a nice surprise at the end of the summer: I was offered an RA position at my school. For those of you not in the know, I’m not going to be a nurse: I am a Resident Assistant in Monadnock Hall. It has been a challenge to say the least, but I am trying.
I am going to the counseling center on a weekly basis and back on my anti-depressants. The good kind that helps bump up the energy and doesn’t kill your sex drive. Not that I need that last feature, but one can hope, right?
There is a new crush in my life. Nerds 1 & 2 are things of the past, and I am now smitten with yet another young’un. Oh, he’s also on my staff. I’m pretty sure he knows I like him - if not, he’s completely stupid.
So, I’ve been thinking about how to run this blog. It lacks a theme, other than just “Beth’s Bitching again”, which really, not a good theme. I think it will mostly be just life as a college student - from a non-traditional point of view. Next entry will have more.
I’m afraid there’s not much else to report at the moment, but when I have time, there will be. Thanks for reading!

Reflections on my Freshman Year at KSC.

I also posted this on Facebook...

As I sit here at my desk, lamenting that this is the last week I have in my little room overlooking Appian Way into the library (prime creeper spot), I am reminiscing about my first year at Keene State College. It is not really appropriate to call it my first year of college, as I have had a year of college before. Perhaps best to refer to it as my first successful year at college. I am thinking about how far I have come, how hard I have worked, and how fulfilling an experience this has been. So, I thought I would share the highlights…

I began the year excited and terrified. Move-in day was filled with joy, excitement, nerves and me being stressed out as usual. My family and best friend helped me get my stuff in my room, walked around the campus a bit, bought my books, and said goodbye. Sigh. Now what? Well, like the good little student I am, I begin to read my text books after I finish unpacking. Oh, and of course, walk to Wal-Mart (first of MANY times) to get extra cables, etc. that I need to make my TV work. All set up? Great, let’s hunker down and read some textbooks. I go to my first floor meeting, which is a bit of a bust. Love my RA, but she is the most introverted RA I have ever seen in my life. Go to comedy show, see the first of many crushes I would get this year. A photographer. My crush on him will cool within the next week…

The next day, textbook reading, walking around, and New Student Convocation. We walked through the arches at Appian Way, and I will confess, there were tears in my eyes. Going back to college is a huge deal for me, ok?

Classes start, and I am terrified. I feel like I’ll be ok, though.

I attend my first History Club meeting, unsure of what to expect and fucking terrified. I try to hide it and be a little outgoing. It was at that meeting I met Michelle, soon to become a good friend and drinking buddy; Shauna, soon to be one of the best friends I have ever known; Heather, without whom I would completely lose my sanity; Sinead, one of the most amazing people I have ever met; Gregg, one of the coolest people I know (but I am still cooler than you!); and yeah. Him. The guy. The one I will obsess over for the majority of the year. Truthfully, it wasn’t until a few days later when I saw him in the DC in a Gettysburg T-Shirt that I realized he was the one – the major, ridiculous, intense unrequited love affair of the year. He was to be my freshman year crush. OK, y’all, his name is Alex. You know the one I mean.

I continue to acclimate myself to college life, meeting a few more people along the way (Carrie, Brittany, Marie, Lindsay, etc…), attend my first (and only) college party, the highlight of which was watching the bartender get a blowjob from his girlfriend and keeping a total straight face the whole time. Don’t wanna ever play poker with that dude…

Pumpkin Fest! I get really, really drunk and lament the fact that I didn’t have the guts to actually do something about my crush.

Halloween! Stalking with Shauna! Dressing Slutty! Chasing the wrong fucking guy halfway down Main Street! Good times, man…

I have a major freak out about an Astronomy test about mid-semester. I thought I failed. I got a C. I have become an overachieving nerd.

Val comes to visit! YAY!

I finish out the semester exhausted but elated. And anxiously checking my grades every day until they are finally posted and discover all my blood, sweat, tears and thoughts of suicide were completely worth it – STRAIGHT A’s! I went from being on academic probation 12 years before to being a straight-A student. :D


When I return, things are off and weird and I never do find my academic groove. But, I meet the amazing Kayla and the awesome Chris. Life is good.

Went to NYC with History Club, easily the highlight of the year for me. Nothin’ beats traveling on the school’s dime!

The rest of the semester zips by, and suddenly I realize what it is I want to do with my life. I want to be a writer. I want to be a film historian and write plays. I have finally found my goal in life, and it feels incredible. For the first time, I see something I created performed for an audience, and I cannot describe how amazing it feels.

It is almost the end. Just a few more days to go, and I will no longer be a perpetual freshman. I will be a college sophomore, something I have never been. I am happy to see the year end, but am sad as well, as I will miss the friends I have made this year, and am afraid I will lose them by not seeing them over the summer. I am already thinking ahead to next fall, and it will rock. I am unbelievably proud of myself, and grateful to have met the wonderful people I have met this year. I don’t know why they keep me around, other than I am occasionally amusing. I love y’all, and can’t wait to continue this journey with you.

Fuck you, yahoo!

My horoscope today:

If you are too busy to put someone else first now, then don't date until you can.
Overview
Start something new today -- even if it feels strange or off-putting. It's just one of those days when you really need to mix it up and ensure that you can still move in different directions if need be.

Well, I sorta started something new - growing out my hair from scratch! but really?! The first half? C'mon!!

Bald is Beautiful!

I have no hair. It be gone. Along with the mole I had on my forehead. Ooops... But yeah - it is 80+ degrees here. Perfect day to shave your head. Check out the pics...

What a difference a shower makes...

Now, I am in general a fan of water. I love being in water, near water, you name it. Well, I am a Cancer, afterall. I love to swim, to take baths, and usually to a lesser degree, take showers. Usually it's the end result of feeling clean, fresh and ready to start the day which makes me enjoy a shower. However, today I had the perfect shower. The water temp was, for once, perfect. It felt soooo good just to stand under the flow of water. I felt relaxed and did not want to get out of the shower, but since I live in a dorm, I knew I couldn't stay in there forever. Someone would get mad. And I don't want to make people mad right now. I am trying to keep my thoughts positive.
I think I am officially getting done with Nerd 2, or as I know like to call him Blasphemous Dipshit. Yeah. There was a weird exchange on Facebook. Also, methinks he participated in 420, which is an auto turn off for me. Sorry, guys. I know that makes me uncool or whatever, but really not a fan of recreational drug use. Call me lame, it is what it is. Doesn't mean I won't be friends with you if you do participate in such things, I just won't have sex with you.
I am sitting at the Creeper Counter awaiting the lovely Kayla, eating eggs benadict, tater tots and sausage patties. Not the best meal to eat when you're sick, but it is sooooo damn good. The only thing that would make this breakfast better would be watermelon. Mmmm...
OK, that's it for now. See, much better than the last one. Also, I swear, the next one will be video of some kind.

Another crappy day

It is yucky and gloomy out. I am sick. At least Kayla and I got our math project more or less done last night. Oh, and yeah. I fucking woke up at 5am. Gonna be a loooong-ass day. At least by waking up so early, I am more or less caught up on my TiVo.
I am ready for the semester to be over, but I will miss being on campus. I like it here. I am happy here. Home stresses me out. I love my family, but... yeah. I am a bad kid. My parents have done nothing but love and support me, and I get annoyed back. I suck. Aaaanywayy...
I am getting my head shaved for charity on Saturday. Huzzah!
OK,this is a lame entry, more interesting stuff to come, I swear. Off to start the day officially.

Grrr, Arrgh...

I have been one cranky bitch the last few days. My depression is manifesting itself as extreme bitchiness, and I don't like it. I take it out on my friends and family, and get pissy and whiny, and all I really want to do it curl up on my bed and have a good, long cry. Maybe when I get back to school tonight...

I had my way-too-young for me cush over for a movie and beer night, and alas, nothing happened. Literally. His roommate fucking came along. I love his roomie, but really? We needed a chaperone? BTW, I did confess my crush to him in NYC, and... crickets. OK, not crickets, but basically, yeah, he does not think of me like that. I tried to change his mind, but... Well, I am done. I am done trying to make guys feel things for me that aren't there. He knows it's a sure thing with me, if he is remotely interested, he would have said something by now. So, yeah. Over. Done. Me sad. I mean, I am sad about it, because no one likes any form of rejection, but I'm not about to fling myself off a building over it.

The semester is nearing a close, which means I have survived my first year of college. Huzzah!

More to come (eventually...) In the meantime, a couple of pictures that make me wicked happy...

1. Well, hello, Mr. Boreanaz...

2. Who knew Nathan Fillion has such a fantastic ass?

In Your Easter Bonnet...

So, it's been a while, and I have my new computer, and yet still no video. Oops. Sorry. Will do it soon. Not that anyone really bothers to read this, anyway...

Just wanted to pop in and wish anyone who does read this a Happy Easter. To my fellow Christians: Jesus has risen, rejoice indeed! To my friends who are not Christian (oh, and ok, those who are...) enjoy the Cadbury Eggs, Peeps, jellybeans, and just enjoy the day. Hopefully wherever you are, it's a lovely one. Also, to all, if you haven't already, check out Easter Parade with Judy Garland and Fred Astaire - wonderful movie having NOTHING AT ALL to do with Easter, but written by Sidney Sheldon, who rocks.

More to come, I promise.

Lame Spring Break

I am sitting in my bed, on my new laptop. Hurrah! It has finally arrived. Videos to come. That is, if anyone cares enough to watch...

So, I'm on Spring Break, and am planning on doing massive amounts of homework, clean my room, and spend some time with my niece. Not the most "WOO-HOO!" Spring Break ever, but I am enjoying the much needed rest at the moment. I went to clean out my closet today, and found little mouse nests and droppings. I'm just grateful that I didn't find a little mouse carcass. Yeesh. I had to toss one stuffed animal that had been gnawed on, but it wasnt't one with an especially strong attachment, so it's OK. My room is still a little messy, due to my laptop arriving mid-clean, but still much more organized than it was 2 days ago.

Wow, how dull is my life that I blog about organizing my bedroom? I could talk about my silly little nerd crush and how I really, really want to make out with him, but, alas, I am "Mama Beth" to all college kids, and he will most likely not ever want to make out with me. I even gave him girl advice. I kinda suck. Well, we've still got 3 years, so... :D

Nothing much else to tell, really. Just chillin' out with my fish. Guess it's off to bed for me. Toodles!

Pick a Season Already!

It is snowing. Again. After the three days of beautiful, warm spring-like weather. I know the joke in NH is "if you don't like the weather, wait a minute, it'll change" but come on! Is it any wonder people can't seem to be able to get over their colds? we have two or three days of lovely, warm weather, followed by a week of cold, wet, snowy, sometimes below zero, followed by random days of warm. I fucking love New Hampshire in the winter...
As I sit here in the DC, barely hearing a thing due to congestion (my ear isn't hurting much, but I still wanna go to health services, just in case), watching people walk through the snow, I feel... disconnected. Maybe it's because I don't put myself out there as much as I should, maybe it's because I am old and set in my ways. I don't know. Sometimes it really hits me: I'm 30. I live in a dorm and eat all my meals at the DC. The oldest person I regularly hang with is 21. I feel like I am somehow intruding on a world that is not mine. I felt it at Midnight Madness back in the fall, I felt it at the talent show, and every now and then, I feel it when I am around large groups of people. I know that I have every right to participate, and that it's actually cool that I do, it's just... I know this is not, in an anthropological and social sense, my place to be. Yet, I fit in fine. Does this make me special, adaptable, open minded? Or does it make me emotionally stunted and lame? I think the jury's still out on that.

Nerd Sandwiches

The day is winding down. I got into an Owl's Nest suite with four other girls, three of which I just met today. It should be interesting. But, hey, it's a challenge I am willing to rise to! I only hope they all like me. It's important that people like me. Silly, I know, but I don't care for being disliked. No one really does. I understand that it shouldn't matter if people like me or not, but it does. So, yeah, I hope they like me. Hey! I've got the TiVo and tons of plates and stuff - what's not to love?! Also, I am AWESOME. Except... not really. I try, though. I'm just waiting for that fun-filled day when I tell my new suitemates that I'm 30. It's gonna be great!

Dinner tonight was fun. Nerds 1 & 2 were sitting in the same general area. Mmmm... I want a nerd sandwich... OK, this is starting to get a little too porno...

Tomorrow I go to health services in search of antibiotics. Being sick is the pits, and this ear infection is evil. I also would love it if I could stop coughing. I'm such a fucking whiny baby when I'm sick...

Off to prepare for the coming week. I can only pray that I don't lose my shit this week.

Housing Day

Today is housing day! We all get random lottery numbers and have to vie for a bed on campus. I got stuck with a crap-ass number, and while lamenting the fac that it does not look good for me, the lovely Lindsey offered me to go into a suite with her and some of her friends in Butler Court - one of the nicest buildings on campus. Granted it's completely on the wrong side of campus for my lazy ass, but I'll take it! Hopefully, next year I can get back into the hall I'm in now. The good? It's got a kitchen (YAY!) and it's a lot closer to Wal-Mart. =D I will probably bring my bike next year, too. At any rate, all is good housing-wise. If we can't get into Butler, I still have alternatives, so I won't be without housing. Huge weight off my shoulders.

I have so much shit to do today, and with my freaking ear am having a hard time focusing. I was on such a roll last semester, and now... Bye-bye 4.0 GPA. Right now I am just looking ahead to spring break, and after that the History Club trip to NYC!

OK, done with my ramblings, I have to finish my film class midterm... yay... Have a happy day, y'all!

Sickness sucks

I am sick. I have been sick since Tuesday. My head has been getting more and more congested, and now I think I might have an ear infection. I have no insurance, so I have to wait for student health services to open on Monday. Oye fucking Vey.

I had dinner tonight with my friend Shauna, who, we have learned, is good friends with Nerd 1's roommate. She never made the connection. Too funny. I told her friends, who know him and think he's pretty cool, that I've been crazy crushing on him all year. They were amused. I heard talk of asking him if he has a girlfriend. Whatever. I'm totally cool with him knowing I'm attracted to him. I just don't give a fuck anymore, which is huge for me. Besides, he'll be gone in 2 months, anyway, as he is a senior and will be graduating. We actually had a nice long laugh over that one. Things are getting better for me in regards to no longer being so afraid to let people know how I feel about them. When I was a kid, I used to just tell a guy I liked him, and of course none of them ever liked me back. So, instead I skulk around, watching from afar, getting all nervous if they enter the same building as me. No more. I openly watch the guy, not caring if he sees me. If he has a problem with it, he can tell me himself. Until that day comes, I am gonna enjoy the view...

I feel like my ear is going to explode, so I will end this now. Cheers!

First Entry

Sooo, it's been a while since I've done this, aside from my occasional entries on the blog page of MySpace. I don't know how much of this will be worthwhile, but I will try my best to make this interesting, or the very least entertaining.

First off, a little bit about me: My name is Beth. I answer to Bethie, BethieJean, BJ, Short Girl, just about anything. I hate being called by my full name, so don't ask what it is, and anyone who knows it, don't fucking tell, ok? OK. I was born June 23, 1978 in Keene, NH. I lived in a teeny-tiny town called Greenfield, NH with a lovely family until I was available for adoption. When I was two, I was adopted by the most loving, supportive, fun, amazing people who are my family. I have one older sister, and an amazing niece, who is my reason for getting out of bed in the morning. I am not married, and at this point am not only uncertain as to whether it is in the cards for me, but if I really want it. Right now, I am more interested in taking a lover or two. But, I'll get into that later...

I am a college freshman at Keene State College, back in my birthplace, Keene, NH. I live on campus. It's amazing - I love college, the academics (even though they make me wanna fling myself from the top of my dorm every now and then) my only area that needs work is social. Granted, most of the people here I could have babysat in high school (and, as it turns out, one I actually did goes here!) but most of them are pretty cool, and I like having friends, regardless of age. If any of that makes sense. I want them to like me. Lame? Maybe. But it is what it is. I have gone through 2 crushes already, and have added a couple more to the list. One is 19. Nine-freaking-teen. The other is my totally hot Resident Director, who, while certainly more age-appropriate than my other crushes, is not only a no-no because he's kind of an authority figure, but also untouchable because he's hot, and I'm totally not. Yes, I have issues. Some might call it low-self esteem, I call it being realistic. At any rate, the other major crush of the year is basically now fun eye-candy for me, but to keep them straight, I have given them the following nicknames: (and yes, two of them are very nerdy) Nerd 1 (the first major crush), Nerd 2 (the really super young one) and The Hot Guy (yeah, my RD). I know it sounds silly and juvenile, but sometimes I just am. I also am not quite ready to proclaim my unrequited love to them. Although, if anyone from my Res Hall area stumbles on here, they will know of my love for The Hot guy. However, I take heart in the fact that EVERYONE is in love with him. Or, more appropriately, in total LUST with him.

See, here's the thing... aside from Nerd 1, none of the guys I've been attracted to this year are ones I would want to actually date. Nerd 2, I want to make out with, and not much more beyond that. He's a totally cool guy, and we have a lot of fun together, and he is kinda cute, but he's so fucking young. I can't imagine myself doing much more than making out/heavy petting. The Hot Guy I want to jump on and fuck his brains out. Nerd 1... at this point, I just enjoy the view when I see him, and would really like to throw down with him, but nothing much more. The concept of being in a relationship to me right now is sweet, but unrealistic. Where I am in my life... it's too complicated to add the complications of a real relationship. So, I will take sex. Unfortunately, no one wants ot from me save for my fellow lame losers who troll the message boards for a little cyber fun, in lieu of the real thing. My reason is that no one wants the real thing from me. Of this I am certain. I have friends that tell me I am sexy and beautiful, but I honest to goodness don't see it. I am fat, plain, odd-looking and awkward. This is truly how I see myself. At times, I might think I'm kinda cute, but that's about it. OK, enough of this bullshit...

Some fun facts about me: my favourite band is The Monkees. My favourite TV Show is Buffy the Vampire Slayer. My favourite movies are The Wizard of Oz, Singin' in the Rain and What's Up, Doc?. I am addicted to caffeine, and make a badass Bacardi and Diet Coke, which is how I survived my first semester at school. I love food (hence my being fat) and I love to dance (even though I am a NH white girl with little rhythm). I am majoring in US History with minors in Film studies and Writing. I hope to be a writer or filmmaker someday. I try not to think too far into the future, and am just trying to make it through my first year at college. I have no idea what the destination is, I'm just trying to enjoy the journey.

I think that's enough for my first entry. When I finally get my new computer, I will probably add some video! Yay! So, um, thanks for reading, I hope you come back.